Guest Commentary
Ottawa - Is it capital of The New World Order?
One person's viewpoint By MACK HALL

HOW SECRET is the Bilderberg Group? They are so secret that, unlike Opus Dei, they don't even have a website!

The Bilderbergers met secretly last week, so secretly that no one knows that they gathered at the Brookstreet Hotel in Ottawa. All the cab drivers who drove the participants had to take an blood oath of secrecy under the full moon beforehand and a cyanide capsule from a golden Pez dispenser afterward.

The Bilderberg thing began in the 1950s as a bunch of Europeans and Americans meeting at a hotel in Holland to talk about, like, you know, stuff. This is now an annual event, and to be invited is the ultimate "in" thing, more "in" than being on the cover of People magazine or having a bodyguard who beats up Namibians for you.

The Bilderberg Group consists of such powerful X-Men types as Queen Beatrix of Holland. And as for me, whenever I think of dark secrets and schemes to take over the world I naturally think of the Queen of Holland. You know where mighty Holland is located - out back and down the road about a quarter-mile.

And then there's Vernon Jordan, one of Bill Clinton's toadies. There's power for ya, huh?

And let's not forget George A. David, the supreme fizzy of Coca-Cola. And Coca-Cola, as we all know, is made from a secret recipe passed down through the generations by the soul-sucking vampire monks of the Abbey de Sans Culottes.

Another member is Henry Kissinger, who was awarded a Nobel Peace prize based on the peaceful deaths of some 56,000 Americans and hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese.

The Grassy Knoll-Bermuda Triangle-Da Vinci Code-Don't Have a Life crowd are convinced the Bilderberger Group is up to something, world domination, maybe, or interfacing with The Mother Ship.

Well, a do-or-die team of my best spies infiltrated the Bilderberger Group, and the survivor of the mission, his bloody Sergeant-Preston-of-the-Yukon ballpoint pen and flashlight clenched between his teeth, gasping his last, tapped out in secret code the agenda for this year's meeting:

Day 1 

0800-0900. Registration in the Blue Ballroom plus Meet 'n' Greet 'n' Eat. Pigsin a-blanket and orange juice.

0900-1000. Room assignments and settling in.

1000-1200. Secret Topic for Secret Discussion: Ford? Or Chevy?

1200-1300. Luncheon in The Lagoon Room.

1300-1400. Nap time. Hey, these are really old people, okay?

1400-1600. Secret Topic for Secret Discussion: Did Al-Zarcowie have a living will and, if so, who gets his pancreas?

1600-1800. Cocktails and dress for The Hawaiian Luau.

1800. Hawaiian Luau on the deck, followed by dancing to the rhythmic sounds of Eddie and the Hi-Notes until...?

Day 2.

0800-0900. Champagne Brunch in the Blue Ballroom with an inspirational Bible message by Doctor Reverend Rabbi Bishop Heather Michelle FloofendorfHogswoggle, Fashionably Gay Pastor of the Bright Light Free Will Full Gospel Missionary Temple of Doing Your Own Thing.

0900-1000. Secret Topic for Secret Discussion: Exchanging recipes.

1000-1200. World Cup match on the big screen in the Queen Victoria Room. Belize vs. Botswana. Get excited. Cash bar.

1200-1300. Luncheon in The Lagoon Room.

1300-1400. Nap Time.

1400-1600. Flag football game against Opus Dei.

1600-1800. Cocktails and dress for the Ol' Timey Cowboy Chuckwagon Dinner.

1800-1900. Ol' Timey Cowboy Chuckwagon Dinner on the patio.

1900-2100. Wet t-shirt contest in the Queen Victoria Room.

Day 3.

0800-0900. Champagne brunch in The Blue Room with an inspirational message by some guy in a nice suit who makes a lot of money being inspirational.

0900-1000. Secret Topic for Secret Discussion: Will Cherie Blair's face crumble into rubble if she attempts to smile? Breakout sessions.

1000-1200. Secret Topic for Secret Discussion: How can we keep this scam going for another 50 years so that we can make more money off our investments in tabloids?

1200-1400. Lunch and check-out. Have a safe trip home! See ya next year in another secret location!

Yes, the Bilderberger secrets were worth the lives of a crack team of spies.

Next week we're investigating the secrets of the Masonic Lodge, and will discover whether the light switch is on the left or on the right as you go in.

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville.