Vlad the Inhaler and Colonel Unspellablov

Mack Hall

J AMES BOND STRODE into the office and tossed his hairpiece across the room to the hatrack.

"Oh, James," cooed Miss

Moneypenny, "did you bring me

back anything from your latest adventure?"

"Here you are, luv," smiled Bond, handing her a seashell.

"Souvenir of Brighton - Made in China," Miss Moneypenny read from the label. "Oh, James, I long for the days when you traveled to the States, Jamaica, Canada, India, Japan - and when we had a budget."

"Times change," sighed Bond, adjusting his hearing aid.

"I know," said Miss Moneypenny, "but you certainly risked your life on this latest caper in Brighton."

"Yes, I'd rather face Mr. Big or Ernst Stavro Blofeld or Doctor No than take a trip on British Rail. Only three crashes on the way back, though."

"I read the report. You made a fair cop on those pensioners cheating the slot machines using mirrors, cell 'phones and Morse code clicking from their false teeth. I hear the book and movie will be called Casino Proletariat."

"Miss Moneypenny," said M acerbically through the speaker-phone, "if you and 007 are through exchanging gardening tips..."

Bond walked into M's office as the red sign over the door came on, the traditional red sign announcing that the British Secret Service was now a smoke-free, fatfree, vegetarian, affirmative-action, terrorist friendly and very sensitive organization.

"The red herring's gone up, 007," said M without looking up from his cup of herbal tea and a lime-green folder labeled Really, Truly, and Veddy, Veddy Secret. "It's the Russians."

"The Russians! Smashing, wot! It's just like the old days! Is it S.M.E.R.S.H.?"

"Possibly. Former KGB colonel. Died of radiation poisoning. Or at least that's what we've had the newspapers say."

"So it's something else, sir?"

"The dead man is actually Sacha Borat. He was pretending to be Glorious Post- Revolutionary KGB Reformed Colonel and British Subject.The real Colonel Unspellablov is in a safe house in High Wycombe which, as you know, is one step above Middle Wycombe and two steps above Low Wycombe."

"So the Russians offed Borat, thinking he was Colonel Unspellablov, using a nuclear inhalant in order to do so."

"Perhaps. Personally, I think it was the sushi. The medical report seems to confirm that. Unfortunately, we don't want to offend the Organization of Sushi Exporting States. Hence the yarn about radioactive nasal spray and the purported connection with Vladimir Putin." "Aha - Vlad the Inhaler." "That's not funny, 007."

"Sorry, sir, couldn't help myself."

"We've got an American problem, 007. We can't very well blame Vladimir Putin when President Bush has looked into Putin's eyes and seen his soul or something."

"I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, sir, when I suggest that if the American president

and the Russian president are looking into each other's eyes and seeing each other's souls, the British Empire is in a sticky thicket...or cricket...sticky something, anyway."

"So I'm assigning you, 007, to be the impresario for the Princes' charity concert to be given next year."

"Sir, in context, that, well, doesn't appear to make sense."

"007, have you seen or heard anything in England that's made much sense in the last decade?"

"You're right, sir. I don't suppose that inhaler's still around...?

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville.