New year’s revolutions
Mack Hall

Imagine the innermost thoughts of celebrities and government entities as they contemplate making their new year’s resolutions:

Rosie O’Donnell: “Let’s face it, I really am fat, ugly, and mean.

Donald Trump: “Y’know, you’d think a guy worth billions could keep a steady girlfriend. And get a decent haircut.”

Barack Obama: “I wonder how long I can work this thing about my African father; after all, the dude abandoned me when I was only two years old.”

Cardinal Renato Martino: “I’ve certainly been bashing the Americans about their proposed border fence, so it’s only fair that I petition the Pope to tear down the wall around the Vatican. The Papal state is only a few acres, but, hey, who are we to deny entrance to our fair share of illegal aliens?”

The Dalai Lama: “Since I make big bucks jet-setting around the planet giving speeches about non-violent responses to violence, I’m going to dismiss all my bodyguards so that I will be practicing what I preach.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury: “I’m the spiritual head of a communion which is inept, top-heavy, out of control, and infested with divisions, so I’m going to give up telling other people what to do, and go back home and take care of my own business.”

Bono: “I’m going to give back that knighthood my buddy Tony Blair awarded me. After all, I’m really just a tax-dodging, garageband mediocrity who puts on airs.”

Vladimir Putin: “I’m never going to admit to anyone that I sleep with a Stalin action figure.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I should be honest with myself — if I were really loyal to the people who elected me and who pay me with their hard-earned tax dollars, I would go skiing at one of California’s many excellent winter resorts, not in Idaho.”

President Bush: “Like I even know who James Brown was.”

Durham, North Carolina District Attorney Mike Nifong: “It’s egodriven jerks like me who hurt people and give the legal profession the horrible reputation it suffers today. I’m going to reform my life and do right by the people.”

Texas Department of Transportation: “We’re going to stop tearing up perfectly good roads and then leaving them in muddy, pot-holed, chaos for months or years before getting on with re-building.”

Governor Rick Perry: “I think I’ll shave my head and get a tattoo in order to show the people that Republicans are cool.”

Fidel Castro: “Okay, how am I going to keep persuading the Cuban people that my socialist health care system works when I’ve just had a Spanish surgeon flown in for me, me, me?”

Britney Spears: “I’m a mother now, so I have to grow up and take care of my child.”

All women over twelve: “I will never again employ the phrase ‘And she all up in my face!’ while talking on a cell phone.”

All men over twelve: “I will never again wear a cap in church, in a private home, in a restaurant, in an inner office, or while talking to my mother.”

Oh, yeah, like any of that’s going to happen.

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville.