A ten-point program for a better America
Mack Hall

Although the next President will not take the oath until over two years from now, already the will-to-power bunch are pushing and shoving each other in hopes of someday being empowered by you and me to push and shove you and me.

Since I have more foreign policy experience than Barack Obama, am more sober than Ted Kennedy, and am prettier than Hillary Clinton, I feel this is the right time to announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

My fellow Americans, if you elect me I will promote the following acts and policies:

1. By executive decree, Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump will be required to resolve their differences in a nude mudwrestling match. Proceeds from ticket sales will go to offset the national deficit.

2. During my term as President not one American soldier will be mis-used in futile attempts at nation-building among savages. I’m talking about France, of course.

3. Since “The Anacreontic Song,” also known as “To Anacreon in Heaven,” is an unsingable English drinking song, I will propose “Margaritaville,” a singable American drinking song, as an alternative national anthem.

4. All foreign aid stops now. America has been sacrificing herself for others for sixty years, and the only result is insolence, ingratitude, and corruption at the other end. We take care of the home folks from now on.

5. Texas Department of Transportation pickup trucks will be required to obey the speed limits and use turn signals, just like everyone else.

6. Convicted felons will be entitled to the best medical care they or their families can afford. All prison medical staff will be transferred to free clinics for the working poor.

7. Chocolate will be declared an essential nutrient, and will not be taxed.

8. Senator Edwards has said that America should be the world’s moral leader. Forget it. No other country has asked us to be their leader. Nothing in the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution even suggests that we should be the world’s leader. Under my administration America will be stunningly isolationist.

9. The death penalty will be abolished, except for the producers of television reality shows.

10. The Reverend Al Sharpton has proposed a return to conscription, a nasty European idea. Forget this too. Some bully with a bad hairdo will not be permitted to dispose of young people’s lives. It’s a freedom thing.

Isolationist, chocolate-fed, and free — that’s my vision for America.

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville.