WWTD?
Mack Hall

We can no longer claim that Hollywood is not interested in Christianity: according to several sources the Church of Scientology has decided that Tom Cruise as Christ.

Okay, maybe not The Christ, but rather "like Christ," in a quote attributed to church leader David Miscavige in a London tabloid, The Sun. The newspaper says that, according to Miscavige, "...in future, Cruise...will be worshipped like Jesus."

Mack

Well, hey, if Scientology says Tom Cruise is Jesus, who are we to judge? Now the top gun is really, really, really The Top Gun.

And this makes Katie Mrs. Jesus, and being Mrs. Jesus is a bigger deal than Lady Macbeth's ambition merely to be Queen of Scotland.

Certainly this ends a lifetime of existential questioning for all of us: Tom is Lord, and that's the end of it. Now we can wear little plastic bracelets with "WWTD?" molded into them.

Going to see Our Lord in Top Gun counts as church attendance.

New bumper stickers: "HONK IF YOU LOVE XENU" and "MY BODY THETAN CAN WHIP YOUR BODY THETAN."

Newspaper personals: "OTIII would like to meet a Solo NOT with a Mark Super VII Quantum E-meter."

Church schedule: Tomday School at 9:30, Tom Worship at 10:30. Evening Tom Worship at 6:30 P.M., Tom Study on Wednesday at 7:00 P.M.

New versions of the Bible will come with marginal notes by Tom, a section on tips for happy and submissive wives by Katie but approved by Tom, and annotated pictures of the entire Star Wars cast.

New hymns: "Are You Cleared in the Circuit-Path of the E-Meter," "A Mighty Fortress is our Tom," "What Descended-From-Space- Aliens Child is This," "Amazing Tom," "The Old Rugged E-Meter," "The Sea Org's One Foundation," "What a Friend We Have in Tom," and "Our Tom is an Awesome Tom."

New religious movies: The Tom of Toms, Thomas Christ Superstar, Going Tom's Way?, The Bells of Saint Tom's, Song of Tomadette, The Tom Commandments, Brother Tom Sister Tom, A Tom For All Seasons, Chariots of Tom, The Chronicles of Tom, Tom Hur, The Passion of the Tom, Lilies of the Tom, The Gospel of Tom, Tom and Bathsheba, and The Greatest Tom Ever Told.

But perhaps I'm wrong. After all, Tom Cruise is incredibly rich and has lots of teeth. He got married in a castle in Italy, shows up on Oprah often, and is featured on the covers of many magazines. He must be right. Who am I to question E-meters and something-grams and the influence of 75,000-year-old galactic rulers? Or ouija boards. Or mood rings.

Well, that's enough of that; I have to get back to finding my true soul in my enneagram.

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville