Genuises at work
Mack Hall

The Cartoon Network's recent promotional scheme blew up in their faces, but only metaphorically. Advertising for a new television show called (I am not kidding) Aqua Teen Hunger Force involved placing curious devices with blinking lights in various places around Boston.

Generally speaking, abandoning unmarked packages with blinking lights is not a good idea in wartime, especially among an exhausted population already battlestressed and jittery from having to hear Senator Kerry's war stories every day.

The first clue that something was wrong might have been that the mysterious devices were labeled "ACME BOMB COMPANY."

The really scary part is that Aqua Teen Hunger Force is aimed (so to speak) at a late-night adult audience. Excuse me, world, but what kind of adult is up in the middle of the night watching something called Aqua Teen Hunger Force? But maybe this is some sort of super-sophisticated Boston thing that the rest of us just don't get.

The cartoon series features characters called mooninites. Boston Mayor Tom Menino is not reported to have said "I got yer mooninite right here," but he was getting very, very angry.

Cartoon Network spokescritter Wile E. Coyote could not be reached for comment as he was busy falling thousands of feet. However, Elmer Fudd told reporters "Be vewy, vewy quiet; I'm hunting for watings, wascally watings."

An internal source who asked to remain anonymous said "Suffering Succotash," while another would add only "Beep, beep."

The parent company (it is unknown if it is the mother or the long-absent spermdonor, and just how companies can be parents is a mystery not yet solved by biologists; it probably has something to do with global warming) of The Cartoon Network, Turner Broadcasting, said it plans to take responsibility for its actions. This, as we all know, means that the executives will award each other huge bonuses after throwing some mailroom clerk off the troika to federal prosecutors.

Boston is not new to war alerts, as we know from history. Paul Revere in his famous midnight ride called to every Middlesex (I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds kinda weird) village and

farm: "The Redcoats are coming! The Redcoats are coming. On sale now at Target! On sale now at Target!"

Other Bostonians dressed up as The Village People, accessorized with Boston-baked bling, and dumped English tea into the harbor, which got them a wall-eyed hissy-fit from National Public Radio and a state indictment for polluting a waterway. Then they all went to Starbuck's for coffee because there was no tea, but Starbuck was out trying to harpoon a white whale, yelling stuff like "Avast, ye white whale!" while fending off Greenpeace.

All this combat action has well prepared our courageous Bostonian folks for The Cartoon Network's mooninite invasion. Even so, maybe we need to send out a distress call to the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville