Guest Commentary
Jesus and the Iceberg
Mack Hall

James Cameron, the cinema director who has made the world a better place with computer-generated shots of computer-generated humans screaming as they fall into computer-generated spinning propellers, now blesses us with a documentary purporting to prove that Jesus, Mrs. Jesus, and all the little Jesuses were buried in a big stone box.

And he has the box. With Jesus' name on it.

You know, if someone shows me a an old box with Jesus' name on it, well, hey, that pretty much satisfies me that 2,000 years of faith is bogus. I'm turning in my crucifix for an enneagram and some crystals.

My spies at the Vatican report that Cameron did not report all that was in the box. Agent Sven knocked at my door one dark, foggy night, and as I opened it he fell dying to the floor, clutching in his bloodstained fist a smoldering parchment written in Martian script and bearing the secret seals of the Templars, the Masonic Lodge, and the Girl Scouts.

Deciphering the document with my Sergeant Preston of the Yukon Secret Decoder Pen, I realized that it was a list of other contents of the famous Jesus Family Ossuary. At the risk of incurring the wrath of the sinister International Jewish / Mormon / Masonic / Knights of Columbus / Tim Horton's scheme to control the papacy through robot Elvis impersonators, I now publish for the first time most of these secrets:

1. The combined secret plan by the CIA and MI5 1/2 to sink the Titanic because it carried the documents detailing the satanic connection between Josephus and Britney Spears' great-grandmother's second cousin.

2. An ancient Greek e-meter programmed to pick up the thought waves of Anna Nicole Smith, who is locked in a soul-stasis on the Planet Freon until the dawning of the Age of Aquarium.

3. A picture book entitled Where's Augustus Caesar?

4. A comic book: Decurion Septimus of the Belgic Frontier, and His Wonder Dog Ursus.

5. Pontius Pilate's discount card to the Jerusalem Kitty-Kat Lounge.

6. An authentic Roman spearhead stamped "Made in China."

7. A Roman Army handbook: Winning the Hearts and Minds of the Jewish People.

8. Menu for the Vestal Virgins and Handmaidens of Isis Non-Denominational Self-Awareness Prayer Breakfast to Discuss Our Evolving Spiritual Roles as Women & Weight-Loss Programme.

9. An advertisement for the Decapolis Oxcart, Home, and Life Insurance Company: "So Easy a Gaul Could Do It."

I will not reveal the tenth secret unto the world until I am paid 200,000,000 Euros to be deposited in my Swiss bank account and an Airbus is placed at my disposal (as soon as the Airbus strike is over), but I will tell you that it involves Princess Diana, Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, global warming, space aliens, Captain Smith's love life, The Da Vinci Code, and what really goes on behind locked dormitory doors at Hogwarts.

For now, keep this esoteric knowledge in your hearts: James Cameron is our last and greatest prophet.

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville