Guest Commentary
Fluffy dies for the Revolution
Mack Hall

It's a dog-eat-poisoned-glop world out there.

Dogs and cats are carnivores. They like to kill other animals and eat them, and all our Disney-fying anthropomorphism can't change that. They also eat their own vomit, sniff each other's lieutenants, and reproduce with a stunning lack of dignity and in public, much like your children's television and movie role models.

Still, we softies rather like the little varmints (dogs and cats, not actors) and take them into our homes, give them funny names, and cuddle up with them to watch television. Show me a man or woman who doesn't become misty-eyed at the mention of his childhood dog or cat and you're showing me someone who missed out on an essential part of growing up.

Once upon a time our house pets made do with scraps and the occasional careless mouse or too-slow sparrow. Now we buy Thunderbolt and Simba packaged or canned food with fancy names and scientific testimonials as to why these products are much better than dead rabbit.

Alas, the testimonials seem to be false. No matter what the labels say, and regardless of brand loyalty, it appears that most pet food is unidentifiable glop. And recently some of it has been poisoned glop.

It seems that many American and Canadian packagers of pet food employ something called wheat gluten (gluten - doesn't that just sound yummy!) as a staple. And much of this wheat gluten is purchased from the merry Chinese Communists.

You'll remember that those are the jolly folks who execute inconvenient prisoners upon demand for their healthy organs - the parts not shattered by a 7.62 mm bullet - for sale to the wealthy sick of the world.

Kinda makes you wonder what happens to the leftover bits of Prisoner #717747's body, eh? Maybe Prisoner #717747 has in his own small way contributed to little Fluffy's glossy coat and healthy teeth and bright eyes.

Unfortunately, recently mixed in with the wheat gluten and body parts in Glorious People's Liberation Shining Red Star Factory #0880315 were some toxins, including rat poison and some chemicals used in making plastic.

The wheat gluten and mystery meats (maybe the ground-up spleen and eyeballs of Prisoner #717747) were good for Rover and Fluffums, but the poisons were not, and uncounted thousands of beloved pets in Canada and the U.S. are sick and dead this week.

As the reports flicker onto the telescreen we learn that the poisoned pet food is not only off-brands, but also some of the heavily advertised and reputable old labels.

Thus, when we well-meaning pet owners buy any brand of food for Dynamite or Teensy, we really have no idea of what garbage is in that bag or can: gluten, poison, floor-sweepings, rat-droppings, longrotted meat, or sawdust. That our pets thrive is perhaps a tribute to their digestive systems than our judgment.

Yep, your little Fluffy lives or dies according to the decisions made by the bosses in a factory in Communist China. Long live the Glorious Workers' and Peasants' Revolution!

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville