Guest Commentary
Nearer, my dust mop, to thee
Mack Hall

When a ship goes down one seldom thinks of blaming the housekeeper for it, yet that has happened in Greece.

Last week the Greek passenger ship Sea Diamond cruised into some submerged rocks off the island of Santorini, and sank after fifteen hours, probably heeled over by the downdrafts of all the news helicopters.

The Greeks are the world's first and greatest seafaring nation, so after a few thousand years you'd think they'd know where the rocks are.

The captain was arrested. The first officer was arrested. The second officer was arrested. The third officer was arrested. Those arrests make sense - you're supposed to remember where the rocks are, guys, okay?

And then the chief cabin steward and the housekeeper were arrested.

What was their crime? Did they fail to empty an ashtray? Did they put too much starch in milady's pillowcases? Did they serve the merlot chilled instead of at room temperature?

The world watches and waits for the answers. In the great cities crowds gather around the newspaper offices and await the latest cables. American schools are calling in grief counselors.

The bridge crew knew something was wrong with the housekeeping staff when the lookout cried "Badly folded towel-bunny dead ahead!"

Rumor has it that the housekeeper bragged that "God Himself couldn't sink my vacuum cleaner."

Possibly the ship sank after being overloaded with really bad lines:

"Oh, Jack, draw me like you would draw one of your Greek housekeepers."

"My pancreas will go on." "This-ship-can't-sink-oh-yes-she-can-thisship can't-sink-oh-yes-she-can-thisship can't-sink-oh-yes-she-can-thisship can't-sink-oh-yes-she-can..."

"I'm the king of the world! Well, okay, at least king of my Xbox!"

"Be British, men! Be British - blame the Americans for this!"

"I'll never let go, Jack! I'll never let go...whoops!"

"What will we do, Captain!? There are little disposable bottles of shampoo for only half the passengers!"

"Person the lifeboats!"

"Outwardly, I was everything a modern Ipod girl should be. Inside, I was dreaming of Shakespeare, Milton, Spenser, and Donne."

"But what happened to the jewel? What happened to The Heart of Lake Sam Rayburn?"

"Back! Back, I say! Get back, or I'll vacuum you like mice in the pantry!"

"Oh, Jack, the people in third-class! They're so quaint and colorful and folksy and authentic! I want to give up my diamonds and champagne so I can wear dowdy rags and play the balalaika and take only one bath a week! Yeah, right! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Waiter, is this champagne fair-trade certified?"

"Men, I can't command you to stay down here and get blown up by exploding boilers and fried by short-circuits and drowned...men? Men? Hey, come back here, men...!"

"You can't come down here in a dinner jacket; this is third-class!"

As we leave the site of the sinking of the Sea Diamond, let us ponder this mystery of the cruel and wine-dark sea: why did the Greek government arrest the cabin steward and the housekeeper?

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville