Guest Commentary
This week's storm of the century
Mack Hall

Wow! What a hurricane season already! After the trauma of Sub- Tropical Storm Andrea I taped this bit from The Whether Channel last night in advance of a new not-reallya storm, and as a public service I feel I must share this with The People:

"This is Stilton Camembert reporting for The Whether Channel live from Appenzeller Beach in northern Florida. The second named storm of 2007, long before the start of the hurricane season, is menacing the coast here. Sub-Sub-Sub- Tropical Depression Brie is the earliest named Sub-Sub-Sub-Tropical Depression in the history of the world, and to put a human face on this impending disaster caused by global warming we're going to interview a survivor of the crash of the airship Limburger, Mr. Jack Monterey. Mr. Monterey, what can you remember of that fateful day in 1937?"

"Is this thing on? Can you hear me now? Well, wow, what can I say. It defined my life. It sure was something."

"Thank you, Mr. Monterey, for helping us understand how the survivors of dirigible crashes and the survivors of hurricanes share a common bond of human suffering caused by too much hot air. Now we'll talk to Mr. Mihalic Peyner, a beach resident here."

"Well, Mr. Camembert, youknowwhatI'msayin', me an' my wife (is this thing on?), youknowwhatI'msayin', we wanted to improve the quality of our life together, youknowwhatI'msayin', so we let our home insurance go so we could buy us these here two dune-buggies, youknowwhatI'msayin', and now we're going to lose everything, youknowwhatI'msayin', except these here two dune-buggies and the clothes we got on our back, and the government ain't done nothin' for us, youknowwhatI'msayin'. It's just a shame, youknowwhatI'msayin', a shame. How'm I goin' to buy gas for these here dune buggies, youknowwhatI'msayin', and look - one of 'em done got a rain-drop on it ruinin' th' wax job. I need a grief-counselor, and closure, and a big check from FEMA."

"Thank you, Mr. Peyner. Before we go, let's explore the depths of grief caused by Sub-Sub-Sub-Tropical Depression Brie as it slammed ashore cutting a swath of destruction and snapping matchsticks like trees in an vengeful expression of Mother Nature's wrath, and in my own personal opinion, and in conclusion, at the end of the day, the bottom line is, when all is said and done, when the fat man sings, that Mother Nature, in the awesome form of mighty Sub-Sub-Sub-Tropical Storm Brie, thundering and / or slamming ashore in a turbulent noon, wreaked havoc on our homeland, snapping trees like matchsticks and weaving a swath of destruction in her wake while taking a toll that looked like a war zone and changed our lives forever, requiring us to seek closure and healing because of global warming...what was I saying? Well, anyway, here's Ms. Yarg Cornish, another victim of this horrible tragedy."

"Hey. Hey, y'all. Hey, Momma. Is this thing on? Okay, yeah, well, like, I heard the power might go off at any time, and I ain't got no food, I ain't got no gas for the car, I ain't got no milk for the baby - THEY shoulda been more prepared for this!"

"Thank you, Ms. Cornish. We'll give the last word to Ms. Gouda Fresco."

"All you people out there (is the camera on?)...all you people out there safe in your homes, I want you to listen to me. I want you to find your children, okay? And I want you to hug your children, okay? 'Cause you don't never know if one of your children is going to lose a swim fin to a monster threeinch storm surge, like my little Colby-Edam here, okay? You just hug your children, okay? And then you empty out their college fund and send the money to Mayor Ray Nagin in New Orleans, okay?"

"Thanks, survivors of Sub-Sub-Sub- Tropical Depression Brie, which followed close on the heels of Sub-Tropical Storm Andrea; we wish you well as you rebuild your lives after that puff of wind and sprinkle of rain. Remember, folks, that in the old days ignorant people thought that weather was the result of natural phenomena, but now we know that every extra inch of rain, every lightning strike, and every dark cloud is caused by people we don't like. This is Stilton Camembert for The Whether Channel."

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville