Guest Commentary
Doctor Death's alive
Mack Hall

Dr. Jack Kervorkian, the skeletal mass-murderer who was never big into that Hippocratic Oath thing, was released from prison this week and was given a big ol' hug by Mike Wallace, who may have asked Doc about his sex life.

Okay, so Doctor Doom is forbidden to practice murder...I mean medicine...again. He said he'll obey, and, by golly, when a creepy old man who's murdered dozens of people gives me his word, well, that's certainly good enough for me.

So what's a retired killer to do? After all, idle hands are the Devil's workshop. I propose the following career options for Dr. Jack:

1. Pet food salesman: "Look, folks, your two-year-old doggie is depressed; I can see it in his eyes. He really wants to die. Give him this made-in-China pet food twice a day and that'll knock the little booger off within a week."

2. Waiter: "We have a special on kidneys today. The terribly depressed assistant chef who used to work here won't be needing 'em any more."

3. Car salesman: "Seatbelts!? Ha! Real men don't need seatbelts!"

4. Bartender: "Name yer poison, pal." 5. Tattoo artist: "Sterile? Of course the needle's sterile! It's the law! Bwahahahahahahaha...!"

6. Travel agent: "Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Bogdown, Chernobyl is the happening place for a honeymoon!"

7. United States federal airport security screener: "Oh, what a lovely Austrian Glock pistol, Mr., um, Smith, manufactured by our peaceloving European friends! And look at all those fully-loaded extra magazines! By the way, your Junior Federal Sky Marshal Combination Badge and Decoder Ring has a misspelling; you might want to have that checked when you get back."

8. Babysitter: "Now have a nice day at work, Ms. Snarkbarger. Your little children are so cute - I could just eat them up."

9. ABeaumont pastor: "Okay, you little kids, get out there in the street and beg for some money for...uh...God's work."

10. Mayor of New Orleans: "Man, just look at all those poor people suffering down there in the heat and the mud, without food or water. All those people all over the rest of the country shoulda done something. Well, take me to Dallas, pilot."

Jack Kervorkian - he's educated. He's a physician. He kills people. He's moving to a neighborhood near you.

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville