Guest Commentary
The dangerous days of Newark Motel 6
Mack Hall

Through the brilliant work of its sources, this excellent newspaper has received by heroic carrier pigeon the following transcript of hotel heiress Newark Motel 6's prison diary to date. What follows is a chilling expose' of the brutality of untamed women in chains (or something):

Well like u no I'm serving hard time, like, in this, like, cold jail cell and this isn't right is this America or what 'cause I was just driving my car delivering bibles to the poor, like, when this facs...fas...fascit...fascist THUG and MEANIE, you know, he pulls me over and he's like WHOA! and I'm like, YEAH? and he's like RUDE when all I want to do is speak out against land mines, and, like stuff. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I have directed my attorneys not to file any more legal stuff, like, because like Mother Diana and Princess Theresa I want to offer up my sufferings (NO MOCHA LATTE', and ONLY TWO BLANKIES!) for our brave boys and girls serving in Iraqistan and stuff. Well like u no I'm using this time in mediterr... media...um...meditation, and, like, stuff, to make the world a better place, peace and global warming, and stuff. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! Thousands and millions and hundreds of little girls have my picture, like, on their wall 'cause they look up to me and want to be like me. And, hey, who wouldn't. I'm, like, special. My momma says so. Anyway, I'm suffering here like Jesus, who is one of my gardeners, for all the little girls so that they will learn from my mistakes, such as hiring an incompetent publicist. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! So you see, little girls, when you hire your publicist, don't you hire one who won't keep track of your driver's license and DUI stuff, okay? And did I tell you I don't like land mines? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! No one has ever suffered as much as I have (sniff). I know that everyone in the whole wide world is following my story and praying for me while I'm staying strong for the salvation of the world, like, and stuff. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I mean like, u no, I was driving drunk again, 70 mph, no lights, suspended license, violating probation again - I mean, like, doesn't everybody? But I'M SPECIAL! And I was like speeding these bibles to hungry children, and stuff. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! The handcuffs were kinda kinky, though. And the cop didn't like me. He must be gay. Not than I'm hobophonic or anything. I mean, like, some of my best friends are gay, okay? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I want my mommy. And my makeup. I'm special. I'm so special they put me in a medical unit where I don't have to be around all those icky people who yelled at me and stuff. If only the world understood how much I suffer. Sniff. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! More later. I hear the warden coming with my night-night cocoa...

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville