Guest Commentary
Chariots afire
Mack Hall

An unknown functionary at the Vatican has published a fifty-page book on how to drive in a Christian fashion. I do hope this will enjoy wide circulation in the streets around the Vatican, where, I am told by an accurate observer, motorists customarily speed down the crowded streets with one hand on the horn and the other displaying a single-digit sign of, oh, Christian greeting.

Vatican documents are never brief; indeed, no ecclesiastical scrivener employs five or ten words when six hundred and sixty-six will do (oh, I'll bet that sends 'em to the latest bishop's letter, calculator in hand...). However, this document is summed up as (I wish I were making this up) "The Drivers' Ten Commandments." Having taken two terms of Latin, I humbly submit a translation following each item:

1. You shall not kill. Translation: Put down the cell phone, the coffee, the baby, the plate of ribs, the beer, and the makeup, and put both hands on the wheel.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. Translation: Hey! I said put down the cell phone, the coffee, the baby, the hamburger, the sody, and the makeup, and put both hands on the wheel.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Translation: Hey, are you deaf or something? Put down the cell phone, the coffee, the baby, the basket of fried chicken, the cigarette, and the makeup, and put both hands on the wheel.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. Translation: Except in Austin, where thou shalt be beaten to death by a mob for doing so.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. Translation: Oh, yeah, an old man in an almost-paid-for Ford Escape is definitely an alpha-male-hottime on-wheels.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. Translation: The young? Man, when you see how their parents drive you marvel that teens drive as well as they do!

7. Support the families of accident victims. Translation: Oh, gosh, we dumb people would never have thought of that! Thank you, anonymous Vatican functionary, for enlightening us!

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. Translation: They tried that in Austin.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. Translation: When you're around a chip-truck driver, that's you.

10. Feel responsible toward others. Translation: Don't actually do anything responsible, just feel that way.

I wonder what sort of document on driving Osama Bin Laden's staff would turn out.

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville