Guest Commentary
If men gave baby showers
Mack Hall

A friend is soon to have a baby, and your 'umble scrivener was invited to the shower. The fatherto be was trapped in the gifting thing, but the uncle-to-be and y.'u.s. escaped to the kitchen to nibble early from the buffet and to exchange existential angst about an alien milieu involving women, reproduction issues, and Winniethe Pooh.

One of the great guy-questions, never fully resolved, is this: if a man attends a baby shower, can he still legally watch John Wayne movies? Is he still certified to operate a riding lawnmower? Does he have to surrender his fishing license to the authorities?

The aunt-to-be kept a careful record of the proceedings so that thank-you cards could be sent later ("Thank-you cards?" men ask. "What are thank-you cards?"), the grandmother-to-be took lots of snapshots, everyone overdosed on sugar-sodden cake while talking about diets, the mother-to-be glowed, and a merry time was enjoyed by all (even the initially nervous men).

What if men gave baby showers? What if guys gathered around the father-to-be and gave him stuff for the baby? Here are some possibilities for totally guy baby shower gifts:

My Li'l Shotgun

Fisher-Price Deer Camp Playset

Samuel L. Jackson Bedtime Reader

Chuck Norris Diapers - they don't take no **** off no one

Baby's First Deer Rifle

My Very Own Junior Chainsaw

John Wayne Drawl 'n' Spell Combat Booties Dangling Saddamn Hussein Crib Toy Just-Like-Dad's TV Remote Control Winnie-the-Pooh as Mr. T Fort Apache crib Massey-Ferguson stroller John Deere baby bottles Remington diaper pins

Pat-the-Timberwolf activity book

Fisher-Price B2 Bomber with nuclear capability

Dukes of Hazzard car seat

Rambo fully automatic cup and plate with real smoke

RMS Titanic bathtub toy with optional iceberg and screaming action figures

Finally, let us not forget a box of manly thank-you cards themed in your choice of Randolph Scott, Errol Flynn, Laurence Fishburne, or other action heroes:

Deer (haha) Bubba,

Thank you for the Vikings-Invade-Englanda nd-Slaughter-the- Villagers Action Playset you done give my little Cheyenne-Dakota. His momma and I can hardly wait to see him swinging the cute little double-headed axe when he learns to chase the cat around the house.

Your friend,

Bubba-Gene

Hey, this guy babyshower thing could work!

Mack Hall is a resident of Kirbyville